Progress Report 39

Sorry for the delay in updates.  I actually took a whole day off from writing yesterday.  I don't recommend this.  Any delay in the narrative flow is hard to recover from.  I got chapters 51 and 52 done today.  They have underage ex-convicts, old ladies with name-brand Japanese assault rifles, pumpkin pie, various campsites, doing the laundry, uninvited helicopters and vast acres of hemp.  Put that in your pipe and don't get caught smoking it without a prescription.  I am listening to Ween, drinking espresso, eating leftover casserole burritos and being damn glad I don't have to go to town today.  Want to see the latest word count?

new grand total word count - 128,837

Thanks to everyone that has been reading these blogs and following my progress on this novel.  I am in the early planning stages of a preview, short story, bonus, freebie, teaser, type of thing.  A few thousand words of free writing to thank all my watchers, followers, commenters, and various people who have taken notice of my work in progress.  Keep an eye out here for updates on this freebie.  Also, if anyone with graphic art talents wants to donate some concept art or even a cover for the ebook, let me know.  You can contact me at amcarpwriter -at- gmail -dot- com.  Thanks again for being a reader.

Progress Report 38

Part Two is finished now! Rejoice and celebrate, invent a new folk dance and teach it to a stranger!  Think I am all out of inconsequential milestones?  Think again, buster.  I just finished writing chapter 50.  The big half C.  That's one chapter done of Part Three and twenty something to go.  Normal Heroes will be hitting the electronic shelves before you know it.  So, grab a sharpie and make a note on the wall next to your computer.  It is okay, you can take down the Cheryl Teigs poster, your mom never liked it hanging there in her basement anyway.  Go ahead and buy one of those fancy new book reading gizmos from everyone's favorite evil corporation named after a river and save some room for me on your memory card.  Normal Heroes is coming to get you!

Check out these word count stats while I translate this into Klingon so even your friends can read it.

new grand total word count - 124,705

Some of them are even spelled correctly.

Until my next progress report, live long and prosper, may the force be with you, to infinity and beyond, and, er, here I come to save the day!

Oooh, Mighty Mouse, nice.  I am the only one that ever dreamed of a Mighty Mouse -slash- Danger Mouse international crossover blockbuster rodent-palooza?

Progress Report 37

Greetings, fans of unfinished speculative fiction everywhere!  I know you are all chomping at the bit to read Normal Heroes, if, for some reason, you are wearing a bit that is.  What you do in the privacy of your own home is none of my business.  I have another two chapters slapped on to the old manuscript.  It is like a living, breathing monster, now.  I woke up from a dream about two characters that aren't even in the story.  I think the fact that I am dreaming in the universe of my novel is a good sign.  I wonder if other writers do that.  I should read their blogs.  If I were younger and hipper and more machine savvy, I would have inserted some cute little smiley face made of punctuation marks back there.  You will just have to imagine what that would have looked like.  My punctuation marks are reserved for misuse in prose.

The latest chapter has a fake alien bartender, young octogenarians, a golf cart escape, and more international roller derby fun.  Also a malfunctioning robot.  If anyone thinks I am not having fun, well, they are wrong.  Insert Mos Eisley Cantina song here.

new grand total word count - 117,832

Gee, Martha, that there sure is a whole heap of words, boy howdy.  Keep in mind that I come from a culture where most people won't read a whole book, much less write one.  The local bestseller is a photocopied guide on how to cook meth, published by the US government back in the eighties.  Insert Imperial March (Darth Vader's theme) here.  Let's just pretend I didn't say that last part.

Progress Report 36

Chapters 45 and 46 are finished now.  Just three more chapters and Part Two is finished.  Chapter 46 has alleged cannibalism, community youth roller derby try outs, amateur medical advice, virtual dentistry, and a compound fracture.  Take that, traditional speculative fiction!  Tell your friends about my upcoming novel, Normal Heroes.  They will thank you someday.

new grand total word count - 112,559

Think of all the paper you will save by reading my ebook only novel.  It will be like paying a tree to survive.  Well, the universe is trying to get my attention, so I will stop my feeble attempts at self promotional propaganda.  For now...

Project Report 35

Chapter 44 is complete.  Five more chapters until the end of part two and the beginning of part three.  Chapter 44 has robots, cheap special effects, a luxury resort and sarcasm recognition algorithms.  That last one is something today's science should really get to work on.  See?  You can't tell if I was being sarcastic or not, just then. 

chapter 44 word count - 2416

new grand total - 107,810

Want to know what my day is like?  Of course, you do!  I am watching Gentlemen Broncos and eating homemade peanut butter cookies.  I am drinking super strong red-eye coffee.  The weather is warm and mild, I think autumn is late to the party.  How is your day?

Progress Report 34

I have been slacking off on my progress reports.  Forgive me, I have been somewhat ill.  Since my last report I have written two more chapters.  I am also happy to announce that I finally learned how to put in page breaks.  Now my manuscript looks a lot more like an actual manuscript and a grocery list of my own madness.  The latest chapter has futuristic super cacti, a fishing trip, North America's oldest apartment complex and talking animals.  Do these little teasers make you want to read my novel?  Of course they do!

Act 2 is nearing completion.  That leaves us with just one more act to get through.  Then some editing and polishing.  Then some paperwork.  Then I will send out some free copies that hopefully someone will review.  Then more paperwork.  Then I publish, yay!  Then I can get paid, hopefully.  Or not.  I will keep writing either way.

I am better at writing fiction than I am at writing blog entries.  Really.  Watch.

Harold was a confused boy.  His mother told him to put down the dog and come to dinner.  He shot the dog in the face with his dad's .45 and said, "Okay, Mom, what's for supper?"

See?  A whole short story with a plot twist and everything.  I could do that all day.

Progress Report 33

Chapter 41 is done.  It is a lot of fun.  There is violence, sabotage, a hostage situation, a few bowls of lukewarm gruel and some action movie style tough talk.

chapter 41 word count - 2172

new grand total - 100,705

Yet another milestone, the big 100k words.  I would like to thank you all for your kind support and/or indifference.  I may or may not have been able to get this far without you.  Actually I would probably get more writing done if I spent a little less time trying to promote the project.

Anyway, back to work.

Progress Report 32

Chapter 40 is in the can, now.  That's three chapters today and I am a little burnt out.  I think I will drink some homemade hermit wine and be silly for a while.  This latest chapter concerns farm work and corrupt judicial practices.  Hopefully it will be as fun for you to read as it was for me to write.

chapter 40 word count - 2245

new grand total - 98,533

Now for some old Pink Floyd, I mean Piper at the Gates of Dawn old.  And some homemade hermit wine.  I should write you guys a tutorial on how to build hermit wine.  Just don't screw it up, poison your grandmother, and sue me into 2040.  Sorry for the short report.  These fingers are tired of finding the keys.  More tomorrow.

Progress Report 31

Wow, chapter 39 just did not want to end.  I introduced a new supporting character and the old bastard was so excited to be included in the story, I just could not get him to shut up.  I get a narrative perspective headache from him.  Here I am in the present, writing a story that takes place in the future.  Only, it is a novel, you know, so you tell the story in the past tense:

 Jack and Jill went up the hill.  Jill pushed Jack into a vat of radioactive waste and he went on to become a notable, but sadly tragic symbol for super villains everywhere.

Like that. So in the present, writing the future, spoken like the past.  Then some old timer pops into my lovingly crafted setting and starts reminiscing about the past.  He does not care how confusing this can become.  He, like many of us, is indifferent to the feelings of his creator.  So now I am in the present, writing about the future, using a past voice, about a guy that won't shut up about HIS past.  And now he had me writing about writing about it.  It is a freaking house of mirrors in my brain right now.  I may cause a temporal anomaly if I don't just get over it.

Anyway, chapter 39.  What happens to the interstate highway in a post automotive civilization?  How does a celebrity go about bumming a ride from a fan?  Who is this old man who won't shut up?  The answers to these questions and many more can be found in my upcoming novel, Normal Heroes.  But don't take my word for it, grab a copy when it comes out.

chapter 39 word count - 3103

new grand total - 96,288

Thank you to everyone who has been adding me, following me, friending me or whatever your particular social networking platform calls it.  I appreciate the support, kindness, and love sent by the magic of computers to the alchemy of my eyeballs.

Progress Report 30

Chapter 38 is done!  This chapter explores the night life of Normal.  It has a surly pizza waitress, a sorority girl who claims not to be a zombie, impromptu roller derby matches, free beer for strangers, police bribes, gang brawls, an exploration of how infinite bandwidth can change our lives, and a sex scene.  Sex scenes are really hard to write without sounding pornographic, or worse, emulating the cheesy romance novels my mother used to read. You know, all "heaving bosom," and "glistening thigh."  I try to be more like "esoteric eye-twinkle," and "throbbing ennui."  I think the problem lies with describing a subject so often described in prose.  Every literary nipple seems to have been already tweaked.

chapter 38 word count - 2208

new grand total - 93,185

I have reached another useless statistical milestone.  My manuscript is on page 200!  Hurray for keeping track of numbers!  Hurray arbitrary base-ten synchronicity!

Progress Report 29

Chapter 37 is now finished.  It has illegal camping, beer for lunch, same sex platonic cuddling, a dirigible, and a little more thinly veiled satire directed at Austin, Texas.  Does that sound like ground breaking speculative fiction?  It does to me.  Writing these progress reports makes me feel as if I am my own John Madden.  Wow, I just got goosebumps.  Let's look at the numbers.

chapter 37 word count - 2215

new grand total - 90,977

And, today only, for those of us just aching for another milestone in the progress of my novel, I present to you, without further ado,

grand total character count - 502,149  !!

That's right a half million imaginary squiggly lines on theoretical electronic paper(now THAT sounds like science fiction).  I pat my own back, then blog about it. 

Progress Report 28

I just finished chapter 36 of Normal Heroes.  It takes place in Utah, one of the more beautiful places on Earth.  It concerns police contractors, duck ponds, boom-town culture, streamlined justice, and mule-skinning.  A western!  Well, it has trains, mules, um, ducks, and a preacher.  Not John Wayne, but a western nonetheless.

I can see the halfway point of novel on the horizon.

chapter 36 word count - 2242

new grand total - 88,762

Hopefully, I get a chance to squeeze some more thoughts on the future of roller derby into this novel.  I did a little a few days ago, with some characters watching a match between North Korea's team and Iceland's.  I like to think that in the mid-twenty-first century, roller derby will be the most popular sport on earth.  I mean just do the math.  Read Nostradamus, I am pretty sure it is in there.

Normal Heroes

Big news!  I finally settled on a name for my novel!  It is called "Normal Heroes."

What do you think?

Progress Report 27

Chapter 35 is now done.  Well, drafted anyway.  It is short, but sweet.  It deals with girl scout evolution, coping with fear, new sunglasses and beef cookies.  Yes, beef cookies.

Chapter 35 word count - 2087

new grand total - 86,530

I am still struggling with promotion.  It is really hard to get noticed on this global computer network thing.  I signed up for the new Google+ thing today.  Maybe that will help.  If you are reading this, please tell a friend about my project.  Word of mouth buzz is priceless.  So is a title, for that matter.  I should really get on that.  Please contact me if you have a suggestion.  Hello?

Progress Report 26

I seem to have neglected my progress reporting duties.  So this is a two chapter report.  In these chapters we have extreme cosmetic surgery, rustic casino decor, fun with Czech naming conventions, beautiful mountain scenery, plagues of robotic coffee makers, a teenage girl shopping for clothes, corporate marijuana training, and quite a bit of futuristic urban slang.  It is like Robert Anton Wilson made a love child with James Joyce and I overheard them talking about it in a post-apocalyptic fast food restaurant.  Don't worry, I bussed my own table, and only had one free refill.  The fries were disappointing, I think they sat under the heat lamp for too long.  Would it kill these radioactive troglodytes to cook some fresh fries?  Don't get me started on the kid's meal prize.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.  The chapters.  This novel is getting so fun to write.  Maybe I will make one of those annoying multi-volume cliff hanger things.  I am talking to you, Kevin J. Anderson!  Actually, I am quite looking forward to the upcoming prequel trilogy of Saga of the Seven Suns.

Want some stats?  Yes you do!

chapter 33 word count - 2953

new grand total - 82,290

I know I never did a report for chapter 32.  You will just have to wait for the novel to be published, purchase it, and count the words yourself.  Or you can use simple math.  I think we would both prefer, however, that you buy the book.

If you are reading this on Tumblr, please go here for older posts: http://carpenterwordsmith.blogspot.com/

Thank you.

Facebook is evil

I wasted some more time trying to get Facebook to work, the chumps!

Progress Report 25

I just finished chapter 31.  A nice little chapter full of panic attacks, local history, the future of online gaming, and a missing persons case.  It mostly takes place in a man's office.  He really doesn't even get out of his chair.  Maybe I should add an unrelated kung-fu showdown.  Unnecessary back flips are the spice of life.

chapter 31 word count - 2293 

grand total - 76914

The story is getting really fun to write now.  The universe creation algorithms running in my brain seem to have shifted into auto-pilot mode.  Now I am taking dictation for my own AI construct.  I wish I were a better typist.  Hopefully the program doesn't fire me, wander off into the collective unconscious, and find another lackey.

Progress Report 24

Chapter 30, now.  Wow, I should write bigger chapters so I don't have to do so many progress reports.  You must be getting tired of them.  No, you aren't.  No one reads them.  So chapter 30, it has all night study sessions, meatloaf, appliance repair, someone whose name is not actually 'Flo,' and dental work!  If this isn't great speculative fiction, I'll eat my hat.  Chapter 30 does not, unfortunately contain the following:  Roller Derby, Muppets, Survival Supplies, the ending in 2012, leaked celebrity self pics, or clowns.  Sorry.

chapter 30 word count - 2606

grand total - 74,621

It keeps raining.  The cats are angry at me.  They take my failure to properly control the weather very seriously.

Progress Report 23

I finished another chapter!  Bet you didn't see that coming.  Or possibly you did.  I need to take some time and put some actual content in this blog, eventually.  So, chapter 29! It has coyotes, sex, border crossing, and melancholy.  It is hot, dry, dusty, west Texas fun.  Send me an email to reserve a copy of this novel I am writing.  Act now while supplies last!  The book will be printed in a limited edition electronic form, only a finite number of copies will be available, as I doubt the universe will last long enough to copy ebooks infinitely.

Chapter 29 word count - 2203

new grand total - 72,015

I seem to remember reading somewhere that novella was around 70k words.  Yay! I am up to novella length.

Progress Report 22

Chapter 28! This one was fun.  It has freshly scrubbed hobos, robot haircuts, an antique mall, cannibal gossip, the electronically resurrected voice of Majel Barrett, and aroused females.  Wow, even I want to read it now.  And I just wrote it.  It also contains lots of train riding and polite Texas-style banter.

chapter 28 word count - 2704

new grand total - 69,812

I realized today that if my novel were a DVD, this blog would be a sad special feature that no one ever watches.  Again I am struck by the futility of promoting a product that actually does not exist yet.  If I were a baker I would be saying, "I'm baking a cake sometime in the next few months, taste this flour and tell me what you think.  Tomorrow, I'll feed you raw egg!"

Progress Report 21

Chapter 27 is all typed up now.  It has lots of, well, research.  People doing exciting, action-packed research  There is also some sarcasm.  I am having a hard time pitching this chapter.  It is that good!  It is slice of life post-equity Americana.  People are paying rent at restaurant tables!  My book is full of possibly accurate near future ennui like that.  To all those people who think the world will end in '12, I say, "That is just not enough time to disprove my notions of near-future speculative narrative prophecy, dumb ass!"

Chapter 27 word count - 3077

new grand total - 67,108

Dig, baby, dig!

The blurb.

 I know you have all been waiting patiently (or indifferently) for more information on this novel.  So, in celebration of the milestone I reached this morning, I present to you, this blurb!

Until the early twenty first century, Normal, Texas was a quiet college town. Then, devoured by the creeping urban sprawl of the 'Plex, it is a crossroads of fate for four unlikely heroes. In a post-automotive age of debt economics and automated coffee houses, the summer heat of 2040 makes everyone a little crazy. With the help of a departed alien space probe and a deceased genetic engineer, Normal becomes the focus of history making events. Swept up by this history, are out four heroes:

Warren Mulberry – A homeless man, he makes a living by finding treasure in the garbage. He collects antique electronics and spends time reading at the local library annex. Warren is content in his spartan life, but lonely. This all changes when he makes an unlikely new friend.

Annette Carroll – Fourteen years old and a high school graduate, this serious young woman is disappointed in her new taco assembly job. Constantly battling sexual harassment and her own compulsive behavior, Annette dreams of finding her runaway sister. With the help of her insatiable curiosity and a mysterious ally, she embarks on a new career.

Benito Alvarado – A hard-working telecommuter and toy collector, Benny has not left his grandmother's house in thirteen years. After making a careless request to a stranger, he learns that life is very different than his favorite anime.

Alice Brae – A free spirited world traveler, Alice roams the Earth, unaware of the millions who watch her exploits on the net. When she is recruited as a diplomat by a tribe of natives, she must come to terms with her dark past and her public life.

In a world hungry for miracles, we find the miraculous all around us. In a Texas desperate for change, we find the origin of superheroes.

Progress Report 20

Chapter 26 is finally done.  The creeping autumn funk got me yesterday, so I spent most of the day in bed watching dvds.  I feel a little better today, so back to writing.  Hopefully two more chapters today.  This chapter was a milestone.  The end of part one, or book one, or act one.  One third done with the novel, so to speak.  Happy.

chapter 26 word count - 2451

grand total so far - 64,022

Now for more coffee and more chapters.

Progress Report 19

Chapter 25 is done.  Well, it is drafted, anyway.  It deals with the always relevant subjects of holes in ground, home ownership, and reruns.  Also murder and plumbing.  This stuff is like Phillip K. Dick, except I wrote it, not him.  Well it is more like me, I guess.  I really just dropped that name for the search engines.  You caught me.  Wow, you should be, like, a detective or something.

Chapter 25 word count - 2056

new grand total - 61,571

Wow that's a lot of words.  A lot of them are repeats, though.  It is hard to write a whole book without using the same word twice.

P.S. Tell google Princess Leia Nude.  Now that's promotion!

Progress Report 18

Well, I finished chapter 24.  Somehow writing is easier first thing in the morning.  My brain is more flexible, if a little sluggish.  This chapter has gun shops, Thai food, undershirts, cranberry juice and filling out forms.  Speculative fiction at a break neck pace.  Trust me, you are dying to read this book.  Go ahead and tell your friends that you have discovered your new favorite book.  It will save you time, later.  Man, I really suck at self promotion...

chapter 24 word count - 2815

new grand total - 59,515

I am still dancing with the end of the first act, so at this point, I would say this novel will be 200,000 words.  I really need to come up with a title.  And a book cover.  I want a great cover that people will see on Amazon or wherever and say "DAMN! I am buying that!"



Email me if you want to donate your amazing artwork to my cause.  I will worship you publicly and often.

Progress Report 17

Pant, pant, pant.  Chapter 23 took it out of me.  It has hangovers, sleepovers, trains, arson, and a flashback!

chapter 23 word count - 1899

grand total word count- 56700


Maybe I will watch a dvd now.  It has been days since I did much besides reading, writing, or trying to get people to look at this blog and be excited about my damn novel.

Progress Report 16

I finished Chapter 22.  In this chapter we encounter a hippo that can teach you how to speak Texan, tuna fish sandwiches, and adamant nudism.  Also a stern lecture from someone's grandmother.  It is non-stop sci-fi action!

chapter 22 word count - 2377

grand total - 54, 801

I listen with contentment to ambient Star Trek noise and percolating coffee.  Life is good.

Progress Report 15

I am dead tired, but I managed three chapters between rests.  I didn't really get drunk after the last one.  That was an idle threat.  I never have time or energy to drink anymore.  My alcoholism is like a favorite childhood pet than wandered off one day to die.  Occasionally I pet a stray, but it is never the same.  Not exactly the twelve step program, I know.

So, chapter 21 is done.  Issues such as racism and inbreeding are addressed.  Also the magic of duct tape is explored.  Science fiction has always had a sad lack of duct tape, in my opinion.

chapter 21 word count - 2463

grand total so far - 52,424

Just look at me go... 

Progress Report 14

Twenty chapters! A milestone! It will be a kilometerstone as soon as I translate the text into Canadian.  So here are the all important, sexy, and completely uninteresting word count statistic that I post solely for my own purposes!  Your welcome!

chapter 20 word count - 2373

New grand big fat total - 49,961

Can we just round that up to 50,000 so I can get drunk now?  No?  You slave driving bastards.  I am getting drunk anyway.  Just you try and stop me! 

Progress Report 13

I finished drafting chapter 19.  It has gambling chimps.  Good times.  Today was a day of rain and gunfire.  I prefer the clouds to the rednecks.

chapter 19 word count - 2260

new grand total - 47,588

I am nearing the end of the first act.  Maybe it will not be such a huge novel after all, just a kind of fat one.

Progress Report 12

Spiders!  In my house and in my manuscript.  It was a fun, but sad chapter there was death and there was rebirth.  You just can't wait to read it.  Trust me.

Chapter 18 word count - 2199

Grand total word count - 45,328

When it gets to fifty thousand, I may have to celebrate with a thorough drunkening.  Maybe I will do a "how to make hobo wine" tutorial thing on this here blog.  I don't know. 

Catch 22, self promotion edition.

"I know!" I said to myself, "I'll write a super-nifty book and sell it on the internet.  Then me and my two feral cats and my pet monkey can buy some kind of cult compound out in the desert, where we can hide out from psychotic rednecks and other various relations."

Seemed like a good idea.  I looked at Amazon and B & N who are just rabid poodles for indie content right now.  I read a lot of writing advice.  I channeled the spirit of Joseph Campbell with my magic 8-ball and convinced him I was twice as nerdy as George Lucas.  I test drove some open source word processing apps and finally, I started typing.

All the free advice for indie writers said "Social Networking, you inbred caveman!"  So I thought up a clever pen-name and made some accounts.  (We are talking about a person who doesn't use a cell phone or email, here.  My high-tech communications device is a post office box I check once or twice a month.)

So, our hero finds himself with a small and insignificant presence on the good old triple w.  He writes witty little 140 character fortune cookies on twitter, he tries and mostly fails to get a facebook account and he launches this blog.  He writes his novel like a madman.

So, here's the catch 22.  How do you promote content that is still being created with a web-presence everyone ignores?  I need a wizard, or maybe some dancing girls.  Dancing wizard girls?  Celebrity endorsements from dancing wizard girls? Call in the yakuza?

If you accidentally read this, I could use your advice.

Progress Report 11

Chapter complete!  Fun with robots, learning to swim, rat-leather, duct tape and other things that make the world go round.  Also jobs for the homeless.  I do good works in my imagination.

chapter 17 word count - 2544

running grand total word count - 42,988

I realized today that I forgotten some simple grammatical rules.  Most notably the "its" conundrum.  Apostrophe only in the possessive, or only in the extremely handy "it is" contraction.  File this under "stuff I knew thirty years ago but never needed in a busy lifetime of smoking pot, eating acid, and sipping Shiners."

Stay in school, don't do drugs, and write something everyday.  You'll thank me when you are 40.

Progress Report 10

Chapter 16 done!  I am out of control.  I could finish a novel in a day if coffee were cheaper and there was a word processor in the bathroom.  My brain is going to fall out from being witty and creative all day.

chapter 16 word count - 2024 (tiny, but fun)

New grand total - 40. 444 (getting there)

Is 300,000 words to long for a novel?  This might be large...

Progress Report 9

Chapter 15 in  the can!  Most girly chapter award winner.  Oprah would be proud.  Includes females talking about their feelings and little girls playing with dolls.  I better blow something up in the next chapter before I have to trade my boxers for a pink thong.

chapter 15 word count - 2300

Grand total so far - 38,294

Progress Report 8

Now, chapter 14 is drafted and I am a little burnt out.  It was short, but a lot happened.  Why does dialog kill me? "Is it all that extra punctuation?" he pleaded. Maybe it is the stir-fry of verb tenses and narrative points of view that tire me out so much.  Dialog really takes it out of me.

chapter 14 word count - 2300

total word count - 36,011

Are short chapters bad?  I think they work for me.  Time will tell.

Progress Report 7

I think living at odd hours is good for a writer.  I like to wander around the clock, rather than living by its ticking.  Sometimes I am up at sunrise and asleep in the evening.  Other times I only see the night and sleep all day.  It gives one a certain perspective I think.  Exploring the clock is like traveling.  The world a three in the morning is a different place entirely than the world at any other time.

Anyway, I finished chapter 13.  Hurray! Have some stats.

Chapter 13 word count - 2300

Total word count - 33,700

Not a bad day's work, if you count "day" as my time between sleep.

Good(insert your local time of day here) and have a good (insert your intended activity here, being sure to adjust for your local time of day,) see you in the  (insert a local time of day approximately nine hours from this blog post's time-stamp,) thanks for your visit.

Rented Movie Review #1 Paul

The first in my series of up-to-the-minute late-breaking reviews of films you have probably already seen since you actually leave your homes from time to time and see movies, rent them, or live somewhere that the postman can find.

Today's film is: Paul 

Paul is a buddy, road trip, science fiction, romantic comedy satire.  It stars the hilarious comedy duo of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who have worked together on a number of memorable projects.  These two have a genuine chemistry together that really is unlike anything else.  Not to mention they are two of the most attractive British women since Queen Victoria.

The film has an all star cast of supporting characters, most memorable to me are Kristen Wiig as a one eyed fundamentalist turned foul-mouthed risk-taker.  Is there anything sexier than a woman with perfect comedy timing?  Jason Bateman, always the excellent straight man, plays a hard nosed secret service agent and even gets (for possibly the first time in his career) to do some cursing.

This film is full to the brim with cute little shout-outs to the basement dwelling science fiction nerd in all of us.  The band playing a blue grass version of the Mos Eisley Cantina song at the biker honky-tonk felt almost like a personal gift to me.

The story was heartwarming, the characters likable, and the pace was just right.  The locations were shot very well and really evoked the feeling of a road trip in the American West, as did the soundtrack with a few songs you would only ever listen to on a radio when you got sick of your own music collection after too much driving.

My only complaint, really, was the comedy could get a bit juvenile at times, but the Pegg and Frost charm more than made up for it.

All in all, I will give it four out of five, um, Ewoks.  Yeah, Ewoks.

Progress Report 6

Chapter 12 done!  This one was relatively painless, I think it's protagonist must have been living in my head for years, staying busy and having lots of adventures for me to write about.

The crickets are using sonic brain drills to lobotomize their enemies and I am caught in the cross-fire.  I love living in the wild.

Chapter 12 word count-2300

New grand total word count-31,500

Hopefully more before I sleep.  We shall see.

The nights are getting colder and I look forward to being shielded behind lots of snow.  The slightly reduced amount of ambient gunfire is a plus as well.  What is it like to live in a country where the rednecks don't have guns?

Progress Report 5

Finished chapter 11!  It was much harder than previous chapters for some reason. Some statistics of uselessness:

new chapter word count- 2800

new total word count- 29,114

I will try to do one more chapter today, but first more COFFEE and some mindless non-creative activities.

a bit overwhelmed

I sneaked into civilization today.  Always a good way to experience anxiety, annoyance, and a deep urge to return to the forest.  First, driving.  I started driving late in life.  I am foremost a pedestrian, but in the past I was a great hitchhiker.  No Sissy Hankshaw, but I held my own.  Driving myself just seems wrong somehow.  I worry about accidents, getting pulled over, mechanical failure, and road conditions.  Hard to relax and enjoy the scenery that way. 

Then there is civilization itself.  I do not enjoy being seen, noticed, observed, or watched.  I prefer to be overlooked, ignored, and forgotten.  Strangers just creep me out.  Don't know why, I am sure they are perfectly personable people.  I have yet to mauled by a mob of zombie-like consumers at the local mega-store.  Nevertheless, I am constantly on guard.  Mega-store shoppers are herd animals, not predators.  They mostly just graze the aisles in ponderous self organizing flocks, occasionally grouping to interact with their mobile devices in front of the very provision (I am sure there is a formula to explain it) that I am trying to purchase. More anxiety for me.  It is a good thing that I only go to town a few times a month.

Social networking is a much milder version of the same stress.  I feel very exposed in public formats, but I am trying to overcome this in order to promote my novel.

Been trying to come up with strategies for getting a good book cover.  My own art just isn't good enough, in my opinion.  I want people to notice e-book when they see it for sale somewhere and say, "Oh, gimme!"

Hopefully I can find some clever artist who will do it for the exposure and the goodwill of helping a mad hermit distribute his rantings.  I looked into hiring a professional artist, and my brain melted from the legalese of "work for hire" arrangements, rights transference, and the like.  Somehow the law can complicate the simplest arrangements.

We learn and grow.  Maybe by the time I get to my third novel I will be race-car driving, power-shopping, twitter-superstar.  Hopefully, at least, I will have a place to live.

Progress Report 4

Another chapter done! Another 3300 words.  Writing was hard today.  I spent too many hours on the net, looking for somewhere to live, got a bit discouraged and it tainted my mojo.  Got it back, though.  Hopefully I didn't punish my poor characters too much.  It isn't their fault I have problems, but, ironically, it is MY fault that THEY have problems.  What a world...

This brings the total word count up to just over 26,000.  50 manuscript pages.

Progress Report 3

Chapter 9 is drafted! It weighed in at a whopping 3978 words, the largest chapter so far.  I wasted two hours staring at Twitter.  It is fascinatingly useless.  Yet another constrained medium that will, no doubt, cause further compression and ambiguation of the precious written word.  I fear this trend of limiting our communication to a small number of characters will combine with the baroque pyramid structure of some of my sentences and transmute language itself into some sort of quantum incantation that will begin to taint the pop-culture addled collective unconscious of humanity and cause us all a great, unified, if mild, toothache of the soul.  And I haven't even finished my first cup of coffee.

This brings the total word count of my draft up to just shy of 23,000 words, and I have barely scraped the surface of my plot outlines.  Might be a whopper of a novel.

And now I am on Twitter..

right here

and I still don't even know what Twitter is!

Progress Report 2

I wrote another 2000 words before passing out yesterday.  Today I switched word processors.  I was using Abi-word, which is quite nice, but it's grammar checking function kept over-heating my PC.  So I downloaded OpenOffice.  It is a lot bigger and clunkier, but seems to run more smoothly.  As I hope to edit and format the novel myself, a powerful word processor is a must.  I even found a little plug-in for it that saves directly to epub, my preferred ebook format.

Also I set up a Facebook account.  Being something of a dinosaur and a hermit, I am completely in the dark about social networking.  Everyone says it is a must for indie authors so I guess I should figure out how to use it.  It all seems so creepy to me, collecting friends like they are Pokemon, getting customized advertising robots that read your profile, and esoteric algorithms that hunt down your junior-high sweetheart.  I will see if my local library annex has a copy of "Social Networking for Inept Cavemen" and give it a read.

Anyway my Facebook username is: AMasonCarpenter 

No.  It is not.  Apparently these information guzzling behemoths want to send a text to my mobile device in order to activate the account.  I feel this discriminates against the lazy and anti-social.  If I had more energy and could find a lawyer who did not merit an immediate thrashing, I would organize a class-action lawsuit against Facebook.  Guess I will try twitter.


So hop on there and make me famous.


I should get back to work now...

Progress so far...

Lots of notes!

Some character outlines.

Complete rough plot outline! - finished this today and it hurt.

17000 words of rough draft in 7 chapters.

Introduction

     Hello, thanks for stopping by.  I am keeping this blog in order to document, promote and shamelessly advertise my "work-in-progress" novel.  Before you ask, no, it does not have a title yet.  That is on my list.  I have only put about 100 hours into it now, so the book is in early infancy.  I look forward to any comments, insults, or terrorist threats this blog may attract.  Abuse is good for artists.  Please visit again soon.

A. Mason Carpenter